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Need Advice

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Need Advice
Tue Dec 11, 2018 11:02 pm
  • My best friend is dealing with a pretty hardcore issue. His wife, also a good friend of mine, is an alcoholic. She has been spiraling for quite a while. She has been in rehab but her issues are more than just alcohol. She has an eating disorder and she suffers from mental illness.

    She has lost so much weight and is in very bad shape. I saw her yesterday and I almost balled. I had to keep it together for her and her family. I spent as much time as I could with her giving her my very best pep talk but I knew there are no words that can fix this.

    Today she was in an ambulance headed to Swedish to detox. My friend has arranged a 2 month rehab center for her in Arizona. Could be the answer. But what if she doesn't go?

    What do we do? She is a good person with multiple diseases. Her family is at their wits end.

    My heart breaks. Any constructive thoughts are most welcomed.
    Aros
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Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:13 am
  • Aros wrote:My best friend is dealing with a pretty hardcore issue. His wife, also a good friend of mine, is an alcoholic. She has been spiraling for quite a while. She has been in rehab but her issues are more than just alcohol. She has an eating disorder and she suffers from mental illness.

    She has lost so much weight and is in very bad shape. I saw her yesterday and I almost balled. I had to keep it together for her and her family. I spent as much time as I could with her giving her my very best pep talk but I knew there are no words that can fix this.

    Today she was in an ambulance headed to Swedish to detox. My friend has arranged a 2 month rehab center for her in Arizona. Could be the answer. But what if she doesn't go?

    What do we do? She is a good person with multiple diseases. Her family is at their wits end.

    My heart breaks. Any constructive thoughts are most welcomed.


    That’s a tough row to hoe.

    I’d say too love and support the both of them as much as you can, in whatever way you see fit.

    The thing to remember IMHO is, some people just can’t be helped.
    People need to actually want the help, any many never (truly)reach that point.

    It’s a many faceted problem. There’s simply 100s of separate issues that can come into play, and there’s no simple answer.

    Bottom line is, “she” has to get to a point where she wants help, there’s a possibility that some of her co-factors are, or will prevent that.

    In my line of work, over the years, I’ve witnessed many people abuse themselves to death (literally).

    It’s a very deep problem, and there’s no simple fix.

    Support them the best you can, let them/him know you’re there for them.

    It might be something as simple as keeping their children for a period of time.

    Just remember, it’s almost impossible to help a person that won’t, or can’t receive it, and it’s not your fault if they won’t.

    Sorry to hear that you’ve found yourself in this situation, it’s a tough row to hoe.
    pmedic920
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:04 am
  • Sounds like they're on the right path, but like medic said SHE has to want to do it, and not just everyone around here.

    I've lost two brothers to addiction, so I know how hard it is to stand by and watch people you love destroy themselves and everyone around them.

    All you can do is stay the course with offering your support, in whatever capacity that means. Helping out with the kids if there are any............and just helping your friend out with the basics of everyday life with no spouse around. Cooking, cleaning, yard work, just the simple stuff makes a big difference.

    Good luck man, you're a great friend.
    Sgt. Largent
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:41 am
  • These people have said great things. I should just add one more. One of the ways to quit something is to have something different to do. Something else that will take away the time spent on that addiction. Knitting, sewing, gardening, video games, things that keep the mind occupied while awake and breathing. A part time job, volunteering at a local store are also things that can be done. I read a lot of fantasy books..dragons, lords, dwarves, magic and the like. That is another avenue.

    The person has to want to make a change for it to happen, but if there are things available to help in that transition time, it will make life easier to reach the goal.
    Seahawkfan80
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 10:09 am
  • Thank you guys for the comments. It's incredibly tough and unfortunately both Pmedic and Sgt have experienced it first-hand. Wow I am so sorry for the loss of your brothers. Horrific.

    As for hobbies, she has none which makes it that much harder. I will keep sending positive thoughts and prayers their way. I pray she gets on that plane and gets to treatment. Thanks again fellas for the good thoughts.
    Aros
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 11:20 am
  • My best friend was admitted to the hospital on my birthday, a little over a month ago. He died two days later. The cause of death was liver failure brought on by severe, untreated alcoholism. Everybody knew he had a problem, but I don't think most people who knew him realized the true extent of it. He was just 38 years old. I truly hope your friend can get it turned around before it's too late.

    The best thing we can do for people struggling with addictions is to enthusiastically support a sober lifestyle. Getting sober is up to them, but we can help keep them that way.
    SmokinHawk
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 11:37 am
  • Sgt. Largent wrote:Sounds like they're on the right path, but like medic said SHE has to want to do it, and not just everyone around here.

    I've lost two brothers to addiction, so I know how hard it is to stand by and watch people you love destroy themselves and everyone around them.

    All you can do is stay the course with offering your support, in whatever capacity that means. Helping out with the kids if there are any............and just helping your friend out with the basics of everyday life with no spouse around. Cooking, cleaning, yard work, just the simple stuff makes a big difference.

    Good luck man, you're a great friend.

    I’m sorry to hear you lost 2 brothers to addiction, I cannot imagine that pain.
    Sports Hernia
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 11:39 am
  • I am sorry for your loss. Most alcoholics are experts at hiding the extent of their illness. For some like your friend, it's too late. 38 is way too young. Damn. A good friend of ours died at 40 from liver failure due to alcohol abuse (he was a painter and often wouldn't wear a mask for years so his liver was already compromised and the alcoholism was too much). That was 8 years ago and I still can't believe he's gone.

    Well I just received news from my friend that she is at the airport headed to treatment. So that is very good news. Now comes the hardest part. Doing the work and staying sober.
    Aros
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 11:40 am
  • SmokinHawk wrote:My best friend was admitted to the hospital on my birthday, a little over a month ago. He died two days later. The cause of death was liver failure brought on by severe, untreated alcoholism. Everybody knew he had a problem, but I don't think most people who knew him realized the true extent of it. He was just 38 years old. I truly hope your friend can get it turned around before it's too late.

    The best thing we can do for people struggling with addictions is to enthusiastically support a sober lifestyle. Getting sober is up to them, but we can help keep them that way.

    I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Addiction is a horrible disease.
    Sports Hernia
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 11:42 am
  • Aros wrote:I am sorry for your loss. Most alcoholics are experts at hiding the extent of their illness. For some like your friend, it's too late. 38 is way too young. Damn.

    Well I just received news from my friend that she is at the airport headed to treatment. So that is very good news. Now comes the hardest part. Doing the work and staying sober.

    Good. Hopefully she follows thru and lives a sober life from here on out.
    Sports Hernia
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 1:15 pm
  • Man, that is a tough one. Can't add much expertise to that matter in particular, but I will note a couple of things.

    Habitual routines take about a month to really start to set in. Getting her doing something different (and completely different; see my second point) is imperative to growth in a different direction.

    A complete change of scenery is often better for changing habits, behavior, and mental attitudes than many things. Getting her into a totally different world can help, if anything is going to help.

    Best of luck to them going forward.
    Seahawk Sailor
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 1:37 pm
  • Betty Ford here in Rancho Mirage, they have pretty good track record I was told, and I promise to watch every Hawks game with her if that helps. There are golfing, biking, and all kinds of activities to help shift her focus.
    toffee
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Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 3:56 pm
  • Sports Hernia wrote:
    Aros wrote:I am sorry for your loss. Most alcoholics are experts at hiding the extent of their illness. For some like your friend, it's too late. 38 is way too young. Damn.

    Well I just received news from my friend that she is at the airport headed to treatment. So that is very good news. Now comes the hardest part. Doing the work and staying sober.

    Good. Hopefully she follows thru and lives a sober life from here on out.


    The “key” is, did she agree to go in order to shut people up, or because she recognizes the problem and wants help?

    Huge difference when it comes to effectiveness.

    Prayers, thoughts, and positive vibes her way.
    pmedic920
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 8:16 pm
  • Todd I know that her situation is real hard on friends and family about all you can do is let her know what she means to you and let her choose her coarse. This real hard to tell you this but sometimes ones spirit isn't capable of taking the right or corrective coarse. All you can do is let her know that you love her.

    I'll add her to my prayers along with family and friends.
    Chawker
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Re: Need Advice
Wed Dec 12, 2018 10:21 pm
  • See if they can pony up the money to have her go to Schick Shadel. It's right in Seattle, and they have the lowest alcoholism recidivism rate of any treatment center in the world.

    They also do drug addiction. I'm not sure about other mental health-related things, but for alcoholism and drugs, that place is truly a miracle and not the normal type of treatment center at ALL.
    RolandDeschain
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Re: Need Advice
Thu Dec 13, 2018 6:02 am
  • Thanks for sharing Todd..... Here are a few thoughts from me.

    1. You've already won half the battle by understanding that addiction is an illness and she needs support. That's the hardest part of the battle.

    2. Realize, that often relapses happen during recovery. Be there to support her, don't be disappointed when it happens. Addiction is a hell of a thing to overcome.



    Okay, that's only two. Good luck to you and your friends. With support like this, she certainly has a leg up.
    Sox-n-Hawks
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Re: Need Advice
Thu Dec 13, 2018 9:32 am
  • Thank you all again for your words of support. I feel we have done everything we can to support her. Now she has to find the inner strength to do the hard work each and every day. Once the poison is out of her system the cloak of self loathing can be lifted and she can truly understand how much love and support she does have from those closest to her in her life.

    When I was with her Monday before the game, the amount of self-loathing and pain she was in was profound. All I could do was hold her and tell her how much I and her family loved her. She just wanted to die. Deep down I don't believe that but in the grips of alcohol, nothing sounds better than to just stop feeling the pain.

    She kept saying over and over that she's bad. She's a bad person. I told her over and over that simply isn't true. What IS true is that she FEELS bad. Feeling bad about yourself and being a bad person are two completely different things. An important distinction I couldn't stress on her enough.

    With healing will come acceptance of the love that is in her life. She just needs to get there. I pray she does.

    Thank you all again for taking the time to offer your comments and support.
    Aros
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Re: Need Advice
Fri Dec 14, 2018 8:22 am
  • Aros wrote:Thank you all again for your words of support. I feel we have done everything we can to support her. Now she has to find the inner strength to do the hard work each and every day. Once the poison is out of her system the cloak of self loathing can be lifted and she can truly understand how much love and support she does have from those closest to her in her life.

    When I was with her Monday before the game, the amount of self-loathing and pain she was in was profound. All I could do was hold her and tell her how much I and her family loved her. She just wanted to die. Deep down I don't believe that but in the grips of alcohol, nothing sounds better than to just stop feeling the pain.

    She kept saying over and over that she's bad. She's a bad person. I told her over and over that simply isn't true. What IS true is that she FEELS bad. Feeling bad about yourself and being a bad person are two completely different things. An important distinction I couldn't stress on her enough.

    With healing will come acceptance of the love that is in her life. She just needs to get there. I pray she does.

    Thank you all again for taking the time to offer your comments and support.


    Sometimes I think we forget what a cool place .Net is. Even though there's a layer of anonymity, it's not easy to open yourself up and talk about personal things, especially hard things like this.

    It's a weird strange time we're living in where we can talk to total strangers online and yet have it feel like talking to old friends. So good luck Aros, and here's to .Net, a pretty damn cool place to spend time.
    Sgt. Largent
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Re: Need Advice
Fri Dec 14, 2018 8:58 am
  • Sgt. Largent wrote:Sometimes I think we forget what a cool place .Net is. Even though there's a layer of anonymity, it's not easy to open yourself up and talk about personal things, especially hard things like this.

    It's a weird strange time we're living in where we can talk to total strangers online and yet have it feel like talking to old friends. So good luck Aros, and here's to .Net, a pretty damn cool place to spend time.


    Agreed. I've always found The Lounge to be an incredibly resourceful social tool. Many friendships have been forged, a tremendous amount of information gained from such an eclectic mix of topics. None of which is more profound than when people share some pretty private, dark things at times to gain strength and support. I have seen it time-and-time again here and I am thankful that even I can use that resource when I need it.

    .NET is special in that it brings people from all walks of life together due to one common thread. Strangers become friends and the sense of community is strong and despite the comings and goings of old friends, continues on. I am grateful.
    Aros
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