"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.

If you are Fatalistic-Suicidal, it doesn't matter what button you press.
Nothing will happen anyway.

If you are Paranoid-Schizophrenic, you may hang up now.
We know who you are. And where you live."